*Currently writing this blog post with one hand because a puppy is nibbling on the other!*
Yes, it finally happened! Matt and I are officially dog parents and I’m so happy to introduce our furbaby, Nova, to you!
It’s so crazy being here now. Back when Matt and I were dating in college, we used to always dream about our future together. We’d talk about how amazing it would be to have our own home, how we would decorate, how we would spend our weekends, and the trips we would take. But above all, we talked about how much we wanted a dog.
There was nothing in the world we wanted more than a four-legged fur baby that we could snuggle up with together. For as long as we’ve known each other we’ve been saving photos of different dog breeds and brainstorming names. Were we a bit obsessed? Maybe. But who cares. We’re DOG PEOPLE.
Anyways, we talked about this FOREVER and tried our best to ignore all the haters who tried to ruin our dream by sharing all of the reasons why we “shouldn’t get a dog.” (Side note: no one ever tells you that you shouldn’t have a baby. Why do we do this to each other when someone says they want a puppy?)
BUT, we knew that whenever the day came when we had our own yard, a puppy would be in our very near future. And here she is, our ferocious little puppy, Nova Rutski – who is currently having what I call “the zoomies” and running back and forth across the living room as fast as she possibly can. Welcome to the family, Nova.
We got Nova when she was just 6 weeks old and weighed just 4.9 pounds! Annnddd, now I have to go pull her away from the molding she’s chewing on.
Today, Nova is 12 weeks old and having her for just 6 weeks has already been such an experience. The first 2 weeks were the toughest. Matt and I were both pretty nervous. For the first time in our lives, we had another life to be responsible for! I mean I used to be a pet sitter and a nanny for a few years, but I would say goodbye at the end of the night or the end of the week when the parents and owners would come home. Instead, we are now responsible for another life for over a decade! And now I have to take Nova outside because I can tell she’s about to have an accident, brb.
So to be honest, as excited as we were, we were also very on edge. On top of that, Matt had to leave on a week-long work trip the day after we got her! Let me tell you, I got zero sleep that week.
But I didn’t care. Instantly, I loved her so much. I loved her puppy breath, her spots, how her eyes are different from each other. And most of all, I loved the… and I left her alone for one minute and she destroyed the zipper on her crate.
Whelp, I was going in a certain direction with this blog post today, but I guess it’s time to scratch that. I am writing this blog post in real-time while Nova is bouncing back and forth between being the sweetest and most cuddly puppy in the world, to being a literal monster. Nova is what Matt described as a real-life Sour Patch Kid – first she’s sour and then she’s sweet.
So I guess that’s the point that I’m trying to make with this blog post today. I love this little puppy more than anything, but she drives me insane. She makes me feel so loved and yet sometimes I think she’s intentionally destroying the things that I care about on purpose. I just want to sleep in, yet I’m thankful for getting to wake up early and take care of her.
Thank goodness, now she’s napping.
There are holes from her teeth in my favorite $110 Lululemon yoga pants, but so much love in my heart. My favorite rugs are chewed up in the corners and we have to move them into the garage, but I have a smile on my face whenever I look at her. I can’t leave the house and go anywhere, yet I also don’t want to.
THIS is puppy motherhood.
Despite the constant biting, and gnawing, and chewing, and holes in every piece of clothing or sock she can find, I’ve never been so relaxed, happy, and anxiety-free. Matt and I noticed that after just 3 weeks of having her, our stress and anxiety level dropped so much. We weren’t constantly in our own heads and worrying about something. It was like having this new little life to take care of brought us more clarity, focus, and peace of mind. The routine and responsibility that comes with taking care of someone else along with that feeling of unconditional love when your puppy is so excited that you just came home are amazing.
Oh crap, she wasn’t actually sleeping. Oh well, it’s her lunchtime anyways.
Back to writing… nope, I have to take her out again.
Ok, now back to writing. Awwww, she’s being so cute playing with her ball right now. The ball just went under the couch and she went after it. All you can see are her little paws sticking out. It kind of looks like when the witch from the Wizard of Oz got a house dropped on her.
Now she’s out from under the couch and chewing on the Christmas tree. I give up. Welcome to the family Nova, I love you.
Thanks for coming to Lost Online
I hope you enjoyed this chaotic blog post about the newest member of our little family! You’ll be seeing SO much more of our little sour patch puppy in the future. Please send us a prayer that we survive Nova’s puppyhood and leave some of your puppy training knowledge in the comments below! We could use it!
If you like what you read here, remember to go down to the bottom of the page, click that “+” symbol, and type in your email where it says “follow blog via email.” You’ll have all future blog posts sent right to you! Thanks for coming to Lost Online!
I have to say, never have I ever had such a difficult time figuring out how to intro one of my blog posts before! So I guess I’ll just say this: Yep. I’m doing it! You read that title correctly. I am getting a rhinoplasty, better known as “a nose job.” Trust me, I’m well aware of how shocking and difficult this news is going to be to some of you! Deep breaths, we will get through this!
As you probably know at this point, I usually share big life announcements on the blog from time to time, and today I’m here to announce the biggest (and probably most controversial) news of all, that I’m getting my nose done.
For starters, you’re probably reading this right now wondering… Why? Why are you getting a nose job? And why the heck are you publishing this on your blog, Heather?! For attention??
So before I lose a few of you in a white-hot rage due to preconceived ideas about plastic surgery and how “wrong” it is, here’s why:
I’m sharing this news with you today because as a self-help and wellness blogger who preaches self-love on the daily, I’m aware that some of you will view this decision as being highly hypocritical and I want to address that.
I understand that many people have a hard stance against plastic surgery and view people who get it done as terrible, superficial people. I would like to address that too.
This topic shouldn’t be taboo or kept a secret out of fear and judgment.
I want to use my experience to inform other women that I know who are also interested in rhinoplasty.
If it wasn’t for a friend of mine getting her nose done and sharing her experience, I NEVER would have done it. It seemed too foreign and scary to ever ACTUALLY do it. So I’m here to be that friend for you.
I want to explain to you WHY I feel the need to go through with the procedure.
And lastly, I have a confession to make.
I will explain all of those things in detail in this post. I would really love for you to hear it from me rather than to find out some other way and try to fill in the blanks in yourself.
This blog post is one of three (possibly four with a Q & A) that will be published sharing my experience. This one is to announce that I’m getting it done and why and to thoroughly explain why I’m sharing this decision so publically.
The next post in this series will be all about my recovery. And I’m warning you right now, that one will be a doozy. So if you’re super against plastic surgery, then maybe you’ll want to skip that one. But if you’re someone who is very curious about this procedure and are thinking about getting it done yourself, then keep your eyes peeled. In that blog post, I will share every single aspect of my recovery, one day at a time. I will share the photos of what I look like as I’m recovering, how the post-op appointments are going, how uncomfortable the recovery is, what items helped me heal and ease the pain, and a hell of a lot more.
That post will be similar to what I did for my microblading and permanent makeup experience, except MUCH more in detail. It’s written to be substantial, honest, and unvarnished. Nothing about that post will be sugar-coated.
The third and final post in this little series will be about the results. I’ll show photos of what my nose looks like now, how I feel about getting it done, and whether or not it turned out like I hoped it would! I’ll also include a review of my plastic surgeon, Dr. Dean Davis of Davis Facial Plastic Surgery, and any messages once I’m finally healed up and on the other side!
So, now let’s get into it! Here are the SEVEN reasons why I’ve chosen to share this experience with you and why I’m going through with this surgery:
1. The Elephant in the Room (Not My Nose)
The very first issue that I wanted to address with this post is what I view as the elephant in the room – and I’m not talking about my nose.
I wanted to share this news with my readers because I’m someone who preaches self-love and self-help on the daily, so I know that this decision of mine could be taken as being hypocritical – especially if I had kept it a secret.
First of all, you can still love yourself and want to look your best. You can still care for yourself and love yourself but have that one thing that really bothers you and that you would like to fix. Just because someone has one part of their body that makes them self-conscious does not mean that they don’t love themselves and aren’t self-respecting bad*ss women. In fact, two of the most confident and self-loving women I’ve ever met have told me that they would like a boob job. (One of them already got it done and they look fabulous).
If anything I think that getting plastic surgery on that one part of your body that you’ve stared at, criticized, and hated fiercely for a decade so that you can finally have peace with yourself and your body is an act of self-love! I mean, really! Wouldn’t that be such a relief? Wouldn’t that save you so much mental energy and spare you from another 10 years of those self-deprecating thoughts? Wouldn’t it feel like a weight was lifted?
Now, I’m not saying YOU need plastic surgery or that all plastic surgery is an act of self-love. I don’t want you clicking away from this post telling people, “Heather Ione Clark claims plastic surgery is an act of self-love.” But what I am saying is that if you’ve had A cup boobs your entire life and every single time you look at yourself you wish you could change it, then do it. It doesn’t make you any less of a beautiful, caring, self-respecting, wonderful woman. And it certainly doesn’t mean that you have no self-esteem or self-worth. We tend to stamp people who get plastic surgery done as superficial and depthless, which is not only untrue but also enormously disrespectful.
Which is why I’m going to be over here with my new nose, that makes me feel more confident than I have been in years, and still be writing to you each week that you should love and care for yourself the same way you would for a newborn baby.
Side Note: Unfortunately, this is the internet and I know how critical people are behind a screen, and how willing they are to point out any “flaws” in my logic. Which is why I know that I have to briefly mention the people who go to extremes with plastic surgery. Like the guy who spent hundreds of thousands of dollars on plastic surgery to look like Justin Bieber or the girl who turned herself into a real-life Barbie doll. I’m not talking about those people. That’s an entirely separate issue that has nothing to do with my one cosmetic procedure. Of course, anything can be taken to unhealthy extremes. Enough said on that issue, right?
2. It’s Not Your Nose
I completely understand that people have very opposing opinions about plastic surgery which is why I wanted to explain why I decided to get this done to hopefully ease the minds of people who will be furious with me for making this decision.
Plastic surgery is a very personal decision that ultimately only affects the person who is getting it.
If you’re someone who is judgemental about others getting plastic surgery, I urge you to do some self-reflection and figure out the real reason why it bothers you. And why would it matter when there are SO many problems in this world? There are child predators, there’s human trafficking, there’s gun violence at schools, there’s climate change! Get angry about those things. A young woman getting plastic surgery so she can finally see herself in a mirror and feel confident is NOT going to affect you, and is the least of your worries.
People get WAY too wrapped up and offended by other people’s life decisions. For whatever reason people get as heated about the topic of plastic surgery as I do watching Mr. “Grab Em By The Pussy” as president. I’ve seen people get extremely angry over their family members choosing to get plastic surgery. I’ve even seen people get extremely, blood-boiling, furiously, turn-into-the-Hulk, angry over random celebrities getting plastic surgery! For what?
When it comes to someone’s decision to get plastic surgery, it needs to be respected. What someone else chooses to do with their body – whether it be getting tattoos, or coloring their hair, or getting cosmetic procedures, it’s entirely up to them. No one is strapping you to a hospital bed and making YOU go under the knife.
3. It’s a Surgery, Not a Scandal
I remember when I went on my tour of Europe, I felt like I had really connected with the girls on the trip and for whatever reason, I felt comfortable telling them this decision that I had kept a secret until then.
About six or seven of us were standing in a circle in whatever random city we were in at the time when I shared with them that I wanted to get a nose job. To my complete shock, every single one of the girls standing with me all said the same thing: “ME TOO!” “I want a nose job too!” “I’ve been wanting to get my nose done for years!”
We stood there together and each one of us shared how self-conscious we were about our noses and why, what we didn’t like about them, and how we knew that this one procedure could finally allow us to look in the mirror without focusing on it. What was even more shocking was that several of them had actually been saving photos of noses they liked for when they decided to finally get the surgery done!
For years I talked about how I hated my nose, but I never opened up about how I wanted to get a nose job. It seemed taboo and wrong. I grew up around people who would scoff and look down on women for getting cosmetic surgery, so it felt like something that you had to do in private and kept a secret until the day you died. Kind of like how women hundreds of years ago used to go “visit a cousin” for nine months if they were unfortunate enough to get pregnant out of wedlock.
I really thought that this was something that I should have kept secret or been embarrassed about, until that day when I finally realized just how many other women my age struggled with this same insecurity! Since then I’ve openly talked about how I wanted to get a nose job with friends and I’ve met dozens of other women who shared with me that they have either had a rhinoplasty or would like to get one.
I can’t tell you what a relief it was to realize that this is not something that only I struggle with, and not something that I should be ashamed to talk about. So by announcing my own nose job is a very public and vulnerable way, I hope that it will help other people to not feel ashamed of getting something like this done. Maybe for you, it’s not a rhinoplasty. But whatever it is, it’s just a procedure. It’s not a scandal, or a crime, or wrongdoing in any way.
4. I Got You, Honey
Since realizing just how many women I know who want to get their noses done and are curious about the procedure, I’ve decided to share my entire experience with you. I’m using my experience to inform other women who also want to get a rhinoplasty. Because I know exactly what you’re thinking!
Getting to the point of finally getting cosmetic surgery takes years and is a decision that continuously weighs heavy on your mind. There’s usually at least a few years (or maybe a decade) of heavy criticism of a body part, followed by another several years of entertaining the idea of cosmetic surgery, followed by several years of saying that you’re going to do it, followed by another year of “planning” on doing it but not taking action because you’re scared as f*ck about what might happen.
I know how tough it is to finally get to that place where you finally feel ready to go under the knife. I know exactly what you’re curious about and I know what you’re worried about! Because it’s me RIGHT NOW. You’re worried about the cost, how to choose the right doctor, if the result is going to turn out how you want it to, and the potential of getting botched! What if after everything the nose turns out WORSE than it was before??
So I guess you can view me as your guinea pig. I’m getting my rhinoplasty and I’ll be sharing every single detail. I’ll share the big things, the little things, the good things, the bad things, uncomfortable things, and the gross things. So that by the end of this series of posts, you’ll feel as if you lived the nose job WITH ME. And if you’re someone who wants to get one done as well, you’ll know what to expect.
5. “My friend Heather got a nose job.”
I have a friend of mine (who I’m not going to mention the name of because I don’t know if she would like that) who got a nose job a little over a year ago. Much like me, she was ALWAYS self-conscious about her nose. Every time she saw it in the mirror or took a photo she felt upset with what she saw looking back at her. To make it worse, she had been teased ruthlessly in school for having a bigger nose. For several years the boys in her school would call her a “surfboard” because she had a bigger nose and smaller boobs. So apparently, to those *ssholes, she resembled a surfboard. What followed was over a decade of feeling ugly in her skin and an absolute certainty that she would someday get a nose job.
She opened up to me about this on the phone one day and shared all of her insecurities about her nose and how she was starting to go to consultations for surgery. I talked with her throughout every stage of going through with the rhinoplasty and then, after months of speaking with her on the phone, I finally saw her in person. And her nose looked BEAUTIFUL. Most of the time I was with her I kept thinking how jealous I was that she had already gotten it done and how I couldn’t wait until the day I FINALLY could get my nose done too.
You see, when you’re in your early 20’s, you don’t know tons of other people your age who have had plastic surgery – unless maybe you live in Beverly Hills. Or maybe you do know people who have had it, but they don’t ever talk about it. So it seems incredibly scary because you have nothing to compare it to. And maybe you’re like me and watched so many episodes of “Botched” that you thought plastic surgery could virtually only turn out a disaster.
Seeing a friend of mine actually go through the same surgery I wanted, share her experience with me, and tell me the icky details of recovery is what finally made me start looking for my surgeon. From what I saw, she was very brave throughout the entire process and never doubted that it was going to turn out great. Until I saw someone else go through it, I was way too scared to take the first step.
Knowing that a friend of mine had rhinoplasty that turned out gorgeous and didn’t cause a horrendous recovery is what finally made me feel comfortable about getting it done FOR REAL.
I want to be that friend for you! So that all of you other women who are reading this can relax and tell yourself,
“If Heather can do it, I can do it.”
6. The WHY of it All
At this point, if you’re still reading, you’re probably still wondering, WHY?! Why am I getting my nose done in the first place? I’m sure none of you have noticed anything offensive about my nose, so you want to know what the point is of even going through this in the first place.
Well, it all started back in high school (as it usually does). When you’re a teenager, you’re already super aware and self-conscious of how you look. On top of that, when I was in high school and college, that’s when the whole “contouring” trend started. So I naturally decided to do it. But funnily enough, it just didn’t work on my nose. All those cute little contouring tricks were useless. My nose still looked big no matter what I did.
Fast forward to four years ago, when I moved to Florida, I started modeling – something that I’ve always wanted to. I was so excited about this new hobby of mine and loved doing collabs. I was finally capturing those gorgeous Instagram pictures that I always dreamed of. That part of the whole thing made me feel confident, but it was only two photoshoots into my modeling when I noticed something about myself that I hadn’t seen before.
For the first time in my life, I was seeing photos captured of my nose from every single angle, and I DID NOT like what I saw. Four years later and about 100 photoshoots later, I’ve become extremely familiar with my nose and its angles. I can now tell you EVERYTHING that I hate about it. Let’s dig in…
My biggest issue with my nose is that looks big from the profile view. Whenever I turn to my side, it’s obvious that my nose sticks out more than it should. What’s even less attractive to me than that, is the way that it looks whenever I turn my face slightly to the side. Whenever my face is turned 45 degrees there are three obvious bumps which the light always catches and casts shadows on, further accentuating the flaws. Next is the top of my nose closer to my eyebrows, where the cartilage is a bit wider than it should be. My nostrils are also too big and not symmetrical.
Up next on the list of things I dislike about my nose, is the tip of my nose. The tip of my nose is bigger than I would have liked and far too round to me. Of course, it looks even bigger whenever I smile, which then makes me self-conscious about how I look when I smile! But the final thing that really irritates me about my nose, is that my cartilage came out too far at the tip. This means that whenever I smile, my skin on my nose would sort of pull down and the cartilage would stick out. Every single time this happens it casts a shadow on the tip of my nose, which also means that every time I’m photographed, so is this little shadow. I could still go on and on about things that I hate about my nose, but I won’t bore you with all of it.
With each passing year, I have become more and more self-conscious about my nose. It’s just one of those things where every single time I have looked in the mirror since I was 18, I would always think about how I hated it. Not one single time that I’ve looked in the mirror in the last 6 years have I felt beautiful and NOT thought about my nose. It’s been on my mind every single day.
Eventually, once the day came when I finally started to share with people that I wanted a nose job, I was surprised by the responses I received. I thought more people would say something along the lines of: “NO!” “You don’t need it!” “You’re beautiful!” “Don’t get plastic surgery!”
But actually the responses I heard were:
“Well… your nose isn’t THAT bad.”
“You don’t NEED plastic surgery. That’s dumb.”
“It’s not bad ENOUGH for you to need to get plastic surgery.”
“I mean, yeah. It’s big, but like I wouldn’t actually get plastic surgery though…”
“It’s big, but it’s not like HUGE. You really only notice it from the profile.”
UMMMMM OK. Let’s take a minute to reflect on those lovely, comforting quotes I heard from friends over the last year. I’m a young woman. I don’t want to hear people say to me that I’m “not that bad.” News flash: being “not that bad” is NOT a compliment. It’s actually an insult. I don’t want to be “not that bad.” I would like to be “beautiful.” I don’t want my nose to be “big,” but not “huge.” I want it to be normal. I don’t want to hear that it’s “not bad ENOUGH.”
Once I realized that it wasn’t just me who noticed that I had a big nose, I had officially made up my mind that I was going to get a nose job in 2019 or 2020.
7. Coming Clean
I remember when I told a few of my friends over the phone that I had decided to get my nose done, I noticed that they would immediately go to my Instagram account and look at photos of me to try to understand what I was talking about. Whenever that happened, they didn’t understand why on earth I would want a nose job. My nose looks great in all of my photos! And if you’re reading this post, maybe you’ve gone back to examine my face in my photos too.
Or, maybe you haven’t met me in person and you’re a reader or follower of mine online, looking at photos of me. You’re probably thinking that my nose looks fine! There’s nothing wrong with it. Maybe you don’t think it’s big at all. The truth is, my nose is a perfect example of “Instagram vs. Reality.”
Just to warn you, I’m about to get deep with you for a minute…
I created this website, Lost Online because I was sick of trying to pretend to be something that I wasn’t. I was sick of pretending to be perfect. And sick of living for my online persona. I was sick of the bullshit, the filters, the smiling happy faces and picture-perfect moments when I know that behind what people post on Instagram there were heartbreaks, very real traumas, insecurities, sadness, loneliness – all of that. Even though I know that we do all have wonderful moments in our lives that are beautiful and cherished, most of what my generation has shared online since we first started posting, publishing, and tweeting, has been in an effort to look cool and to impress other people.
So that’s why I made this little online space of my own – to get away from all of that. And I made a promise to myself that I would always be disgustingly transparent with you. That even though I might do photoshoots, and wear makeup, and create beautiful Instagram photos for the sheer fun of it – I will always be transparent about the nitty-gritty details that happen between those moments we deem worthy enough to post.
And that is why I’m sharing with you one detail that I thought I would take to my grave. One detail that I was horrendously embarrassed to admit for years. But I know I would never forgive myself and never be 100% honest with you if I didn’t share this:
For the last several years, every single photo that I’ve shared of me … I’ve photoshopped my nose. I made it smaller, I smoothed out the bumps on the top of it, and I edited out the cartilage that would cast an unattractive shadow on the tip of my nose whenever I smiled. I was so self-conscious, so embarrassed, so uncomfortable with how it looked that I would always make an effort to make my nose look different before I shared anything online.
Even now as I’m scrolling through all my old photos looking for examples of unattractive and unflattering angles of my nose to show you, I can’t find any to show you. I instantly deleted all of them the moment I noticed how “ugly” they were.
So this is me, coming clean about my biggest secret. I feel embarrassed for finally owning up to it, but I was one of the many young women who was deeply affected by what I saw online and took to heart what I “should” look like as a woman in order to be worthy of love and affection. I know that there are many people out there who struggle with MUCH worse things in life than feeling insecure about their nose, but my goodness, I can’t wait to finally be able to see myself in the mirror or a photo and not have my mind flooded with such negative thoughts about a part of my body.
I’m sharing this with you not only because I feel like it’s the right thing to do, but also to serve as a reminder that we all have our sh*t. We all have our insecurities. We all go through things that other people don’t know about. So if your story is like mine, don’t be afraid to get plastic surgery. It’s incredibly unhealthy to hate a part of yourself this much. Do what you have to do to feel comfortable and confident in your skin. And also, if you’re someone who’s adimitaly against plastic surgery, please have some compassion. If a simple one-and-a-half hour procedure is enough to give someone the confidence to look at themselves in the mirror and finally feel beautiful, then let them have that!
There you have it
That is why I’m getting rhinoplasty and why I’ve decided to share this with virtually everyone I know! Yikes. I don’t know if I’ve ever felt so vulnerable and nervous about a post as I am about this one today! But I know that it will all be worth it. Just like my microblading posts, I know that there are a few people who will find the upcoming posts very helpful and informative.
It should be an interesting few weeks! Keep your eyes peeled for the next posts, they’re about to get real.
As always, let me know what you think in the comments! POSITIVE VIBES ONLY PLEASE. Have you gotten plastic surgery before? Did you get rhinoplasty? Do you want one? What are your thoughts about taking the leap and doing it? Did you relate to anything that I shared above? What are you looking forward to learning or seeing in the next posts?
If you like what you read here, remember to go down to the bottom of the page, click that “+” symbol, and type in your email where it says “follow blog via email.” You’ll have all future blog posts sent right to you! Thanks for coming to Lost Online!
This week’s blog post is a bit different for me. If you’ve read Lost Online for a while, then you’re probably familiar with the fact that’ll I’ll occasionally write about announcements in my life like starting at The Institute for Integrative Nutrition – but never have I shared an announcement THIS personal.
I’ve debated about sharing this so many times with mental illness being such a sensitive and personal topic but finally decided that keeping this a secret wouldn’t feel authentic. Because I am so passionate about self-help and wellness I really feel called to share my decision with you about seeing a therapist. Keeping such a big decision private (as someone who preaches self-help and wellness each and every week) just isn’t me. I like being honest on my website, even if it’s not always the cool thing to do.
Very recently, after realizing that I had depression which wasn’t planning on leaving my side anytime soon, I decided to start seeing a therapist. For the first time in my life, I didn’t just entertain the idea or talk about it. I finally picked up my phone, actually made a call, and booked my first ever therapy appointment – a huge step that I wasn’t sure I would ever take. Since that day I keep giving myself mental praise, “Hell yeah, I actually f*cking did it. I took the first freaking step!” It’s not very often I feel proud of myself, but today I am. Up until this point, the idea of seeing a therapist seemed as terrifying to me as much as swimming with a Great White shark.
So I wanted to come here today, as I normally do, to talk about what prompted me to finally start seeing a therapist NOW in hopes that it will inspire someone else who may be going through something similar and just needs to hear that they’re not alone.
It’s been nine months since I first moved to St. Petersburg, Fla. with my boyfriend Matt. I could still remember how excited and thrilled I was that I finally graduated from college and was about to start a life with my partner. It was such an exciting time, picking out the decor, signing a lease, grocery shopping together! I was finally growing up and I could not wait. My entire life I looked forward to the day when all this would happen – when my life would start, when I’d have someone to come home to, when I’d finally be FREE to live as I please. I know it sounds crazy, but I honestly thought that once I moved out and had my own place life would be WONDERFUL. It would be perfect. It would be filled with travel, love, beauty, money, friends, adventure, rainbows, and unicorns. LOL. That’s not what happened.
Here’s what actually happened: Since I first moved to this coast to sunny St. Pete, nothing happened as I expected. There’s been so many big life changes, decisions, and challenges that I didn’t see coming for the life of me. For the first time ever I was in a new town trying to make a life for myself without family or school providing some structure and support. I was alone having to make friends as an adult (which is surprisingly difficult). I’ve tried so many times to make friends with people only to be canceled on and stood up again and again.
I had to get used to a whole other family that’s now in my life with their own opinions and oh so many expectations. I’ve had to deal with WAY more family drama than you would expect both in my family and Matt’s. I’ve been pressured into buying a house before I was ready, with NO ONE around me respecting my feelings. I then fell in love with a house and had that dream taken away after we discovered a disturbing termite infestation and had to resend our offer.
I felt real financial stress for the first time. I’ve felt the pressure to find a job while being asked every single day, “So did you find a job yet? How’s the job hunt going?” (Apparently, when you are job hunting, it’s the only thing you’re allowed to discuss with people.) I’ve been spewed so much unwarranted advice about job hunting from people who haven’t looked for a job in 20 years.
I then had months of sleepless nights struggling with the decision to leave my full-time job to pursue what I wanted. Then, I got let go from another job, followed by months of working at home from my kitchen counter leading to a very isolated lifestyle because there’s no “blogger office” you can go into to hang out with people.
That’s not even including the health problems, friend drama, and family issues that are way too private to share online. But the biggest challenge of all – I can’t make one decision in life without someone feeling the need to intervene and share their two cents with me. Wherever I want to live, whichever house I live in, whichever dog I get, SOMEONE has an issue with it. I really believed that once I was on my own that I would be magically liberated from the opinions and judgment of others.
If this is what everyone meant by, “Wait until you get into the real world,” I finally understand what they mean.
That transition period from college to adulthood is extremely overwhelming, and then you throw in health problems, a new city, a new family, and financial stress and it’s no wonder I’ve been so anxious and depressed over the last nine months. There’s been A LOT going on, and those are just the bullet points.
It reminds me of a quote I just saw on Instagram today that said, “Being an adult is just saying, ‘But things will slow down a bit again’ to yourself until you die.” I think that sentence wraps up the last nine months of my life perfectly.
How I Discovered That I Had Depression
All of that brings me to these past few months when I’ve felt so low, so defeated, so disrespected, so helpless that I just felt like, “What’s the point?” “Why even get up early, get a bunch of work done when life keeps handing me one shit sandwich after another?”
My depression stayed while the excitement, motivation, and inspiration fell away. I ended up spending way too many days over the last few months in sweat pants, greasy hair, exhausted for no apparent reason, not feeling like myself at all. So many days I felt lazy, unmotivated with overwhelming sadness or sometimes not feeling anything at all. Sometimes even just getting out of bed in the morning felt like going to war. It seemed impossible. What’s worse is that staying in bed turned into a vicious cycle where I felt guilty and disgusted with myself for not working and getting more done.
Once I was up, I couldn’t even bring myself to take care of myself, do work, eat well, or go to the gym. Some days I would binge on junk food for comfort, other days I wouldn’t eat a thing. Because of how low I felt, I isolated myself more and would hardly leave the apartment.
It was about nine months of lead up and slowly feeling worse and worse until one day I realized: I don’t think this is normal. This doesn’t seem to be one of my typical “ruts” that might last a few days. It seems more serious than that.
But I still wasn’t 100% convinced that I was experiencing depression. I thought that in order to be depressed you had to have suicidal thoughts or actions, which I don’t. I still want to live and continue to grow, I still have hopes, dreams, and aspirations, but I still felt terrible and sad most days. So, I became more and more curious about whether or not that’s what I’ve been experiencing.
This eventually led me to into a google-searching black hole one night. I started looking up articles about how to tell if you have depression and found a long collection of articles that all had similar titles. Most of them said, “30 symptoms of depression,”“20 ways to tell if you have depression,” “12 secret symptoms of depression,” “15 little known side effects of depression.” You get the idea. Well, it turns out, I had ALL of the symptoms and “secret” side effects of depression, aside from one – bed sores.
It turns out that I had depression all along, and just didn’t realize it. It wasn’t until I had every symptom and checked with Google before I finally realized that’s what was going on. It was difficult to finally admit to myself that that’s what I’m going through, especially being someone who’s so immersed in self-help and wellness. I would love nothing more than to “fix” myself and be a perfect, shiny, glimmering example of health, happiness, self-love, and positivity for you. It also was somewhat of a relief though, because there have been too many times when Matt asks me for the third time in one night, “What’s wrong?” Followed by me saying, “I’m tired,” because I honestly don’t know what to say.
Finally Seeking Help
There have been many times I should have seen a therapist throughout my life, but I never went through with it. I was way too scared to finally take the leap and I had so many irrational fears about what might happen if I actually DID see a therapist. I was afraid of being labeled or being viewed as a freak who couldn’t get their life together. I was scared that I might hear people say to me, “What the f*ck would you have to be depressed about?” Especially if it was my family saying those things. It would make me feel so guilty when they’ve worked so hard to give me the life that I have now. Seeing a therapist seemed almost unfair or even wrong. However, what terrified me the most was the thought of sitting across from a stranger and crying for an hour about my deepest and most personal issues. The thought of that still makes me cringe.
Even though I know SO many people who see therapists and talk about how much it’s helped them through depression, anxiety, family problems, and trauma, I couldn’t bring myself to do it for the longest time. Which only meant that the longer I put it off, the more I built it up in my mind and the scarier it seemed.
But now here I am, a self-help and wellness blogger that spends days experiencing overwhelming sadness and not being able to get out of bed. I’ve read all the books, listened to all the podcasts, tried all the supplements, adopted all of the self-care rituals, and here I am – experiencing depression. It was that thought that FINALLY made me pick up my phone one day and seek out a therapist. There comes a point when if you experience depression, you can’t leave it up to random authors to play the role of your therapist for you, you need to actually talk with someone.
So here I am at the start of my own therapy journey and I just had my consultation appointment today (as I’m writing this). After making that initial phone call and setting up my appointment, my fears surprisingly went away and were replaced with an emotion that I was NOT at all expecting: excitement. It appears that all of the overthinking that I did about whether I should or shouldn’t see a therapist for years made that initial phone call scarier than actually sitting down with someone.
“The problem is not the problem. The problem is the incredible amount of overthinking you’re doing with the problem. Let it go and be free.” – unknown
Viewing Depression in a Positive Light
Now that I’m finally taking a leap of faith and moving forward with a therapist I’m feeling very hopeful about what’s to come. It’s allowed me to reflect on the last 9 months without being so triggered by it and think about the advice that I wish I could give myself when I first moved to St. Petersburg. I put together three main takeaways that I want to share with you today so that it may reach someone else who needs need to hear this too.
1. Life goes in phases
There will be moments when you feel on top of the world and there will be moments when you’re feeling down. You’ll have the best days of your life, but there will still be the worst days. But as much as it sucks when you’re hurting and life keeps kicking you when you’re down, those times are necessary. It would be impossible to feel on top of the world all the time or else you wouldn’t appreciate it. If everything went your way you wouldn’t realize how special it was and would take it for granted.
That’s why it’s important to honor the highs and the lows equally. To feel happy and grateful when things are going well and to trust that everything is working in your greatest favor when they are not.
2. It’s always darkest before dawn
Just as I shared in my latest blog post, “How to Recognize Universal Signs,” things falling apart of “bad” things happening is a good thing. A lot of the time, it’s actually the universe working in your favor. I believe that many of the good things that happen to us would be brought into fruition without something falling apart. Just like how you wouldn’t have met your soulmate unless you broke up with that douchebag you used to date in college!
I’m going to go ahead and quote myself for a minute, in case you haven’t read the last blog post yet.
“We can’t expand, fulfill our purpose, or become our highest selves if everything is going well and if everything was EASY. We can’t continue to improve and learn important lessons if everything is rainbows and unicorns all the time. We’d be way too comfortable. And if there’s one thing that I know in this world, it’s that you can’t grow inside your comfort zone…Challenges happen because it’s the universe pushing you to level up.” – Heather Ione Clark
It reminds me of one of my absolute favorite quotes in the world, from author J.K. Rowling: “Rock bottom became the solid foundation on which I rebuilt my life.” If it wasn’t for her challenges, the world would have never been blessed with the magical, wizarding world of Harry Potter!
But just as much as I believe that challenging times happen to us so that we can reach our soul’s purpose, I also believe that the rough periods are happening to us for another reason. We all have lessons that we’re meant to learn in this lifetime so that we can evolve and become our highest selves. Even though it’s much easier to take the victim mentality, instead look at it from the perspective of, “What can I learn from this?”
When I take this healthier and more positive perspective, I’m able to understand that this depression I’ve been experiencing is happening for a greater purpose – it will help me to grow, finally address traumas that I haven’t let go of, and it will help me to inspire others to seek help too.
3. It’s ok to not be ok
It’s ok if you’re not always feeling “#blessed” like how you are in your Instagram captions. Let’s be honest, we all have crap days and years that don’t quite go how we imagined they would. And that’s ok. I don’t think I’ve met one person who didn’t struggle with some trauma, whether it be a broken relationship with a parent, a sexual assault, or an eating disorder. We all have our things.
When I first decided to see a therapist, I debated not sharing this with you. I didn’t want to admit that even I feel the need to see a therapist. Because I’m a self-help and wellness writer, I should be 100% ok, right? False. Even your super hot personal trainer eats cake sometimes. We’re all human here.
But I’m sharing this because although this blog is all about self-help, health, and wellness, I’m not claiming to be PERFECT. I’m not claiming to have it all figured out. This is about my journey, my advice that I learn along the way, and above all – transparency. Sharing the not so gram-able moments about my life in hopes to help someone else. Because I know other young women just like me share the same challenges, and I want them to know that it’s ok to NOT be ok.
Thanks for coming to Lost Online!
I really hope you enjoyed this week’s post and it helped you to reflect on your own experience. Lastly, I just want to say that if you’re having a similar experience as me, don’t be afraid to make the call. Those few minutes it takes to call someone are scarier than actually sitting down and talking things out. Trust me, you will be so happy and so proud of yourself that you took the first step.
“At any given moment we have two choices: to step forward into growth or to step back into safety.” – Abraham Maslow
As always, let me know what you think in the comments! Have you recently taken the first step to see a therapist? Do you currently see a therapist? Looking back at the time of your life when you decided to seek help, what are some of your own takeaways? What advice would you give to others who are going through a hard time? Do you believe that “bad” things happen for a reason? Do you believe that we’re meant to learn something from moments like this? Even if you don’t AND even if you haven’t seen a therapist, let me know your thoughts in the comments!
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